my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
