I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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