me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
