Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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