I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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