found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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