i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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