the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
