Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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