Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I just blew my weed a kiss
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
