So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
