i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
