I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
