How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
