The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
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