We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
We had sex on a dog bed..
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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