I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
