watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I can't turn off my feet"
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
