Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
