Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Randomize
