just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
the room spins SO much faster in panama
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
