i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
