My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
