I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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