I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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