the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize