How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
