Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
