Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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