you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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