After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
porn star boner night. come get it.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
