Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
