the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
She just used a chaser for red wine.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
