so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize