Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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