I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
