we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
