Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
