Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
