Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
