it was like his penis was on wheels.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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