Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
