two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
