I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
