i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
