Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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