would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Randomize
