Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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