Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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