Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Success! We fucked roommates!
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
A bitchslap is in order.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize