Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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