ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
