last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
