Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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