Moan for me like Helen Keller
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
