The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
is wine microwaveable?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
