i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
