I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize