The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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