I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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