just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
