Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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