we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
