Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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