420 ftw
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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