I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
