you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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