Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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