sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
